My Three Nuns

from by The Fuxedos

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    The Fuxedos' eponymous debut CD represents the unholy collision of Fuxed-up creativity and High Production Value. It features mixing by Steve "Steve B" Baughman, whose credits include 50 Cent, Michael Jackson, and Eminem; and nuanced mastering by Dylan "3-D" Dresdow, who's worked with everyone from the Black Eyed Peas to U2 to the Wu-Tang Clan.

    The striking 8-panel digipak features hilariously surreal photographic artwork by digital artist Mike Dunkley, and the disc is enhanced with the award-winning surrealist mini-musical comedy short video "Mimsy," featuring "The Jellybean Song."

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lyrics

Three nuns, smoking cigars and playing Strip Keno. The sisters all possess horrific birthmarks that resemble Shecky Greene. The nuns grow tired of the game. They whip out nunchuks, throwing stars, and cyanide-laced kosher dills, and begin an elaborate, intricately choreographed, and highly fluid circular square dance in slow-motion -- a sort of grand Sumo prancing through molasses, a perimetrical pinwheel promenade on Percodan.

All at once, the nuns cease their movements, drop their equipment, and run head first toward a central point. They collide violently, precisely: each nun absorbs the blow equally, at an identical spot on her skull. The collision is an utterly chance, yet geometrically perfect event.

Suddenly, strange things begin to happen. The earth begins to shake, the trees swirl like merry-go-rounds, sparrows begin to attend the U.S. Army's School of the Americas in Fort Benning, Georgia, to receive instruction in surveillance, interrogation, torture, intimidation, and assassination.

Meanwhile, the nuns' scalps have fused together. The sturdiest of the three slowly pulls her head back, raising the other two into the air, creating a beautiful black and white "Y."

Also meanwhile, a class of first graders on a field trip in a nearby meadow spot the nuns, and run to their teacher, informing her that they've found the next letter in their "Find the Alphabet on the License Plates" game, which they played on the bus ride over. The teacher removes her hair pins, shakes out her glorious auburn mane, points Delacroix-ly towards the nuns, and shouts valiantly, in a flawless execution of a Lakota/Serbo-Croatian hybrid dialect found only in the southeastern suburbs of mid-1980's Cleveland -- a time in which men were men, and women were women, and women were men, and men were men and women, and children were eggbeaters, and men and women were also eggbeaters, but a different kind of streamlined, kinetic, Boccione-esque Futurist sort of eggbeater --

"Seize the moment, young knaves of the Microsoft generation! Oh little cyberlings, this is your moment of Supreme Cosmic Redemption!”

Whereupon the children, whooping and hollering, screaming and salivating, tear off toward the nuns like amped-up little psychotic lemmings, descending in a horde upon the nuns with all their terrible savage Osh-Kosh might, leaping and tearing at their throats. The Nun Triad base sister swings her mighty head neck shoulders about, scattering children like sweat off a boxer's hammered face, but to no avail! There are simply too many children...

credits

from The Fuxedos, released June 5, 2009
Ryan Brown - Drums
Alex Budman - Tenor sax, flute, piccolo
Stephen Charouhas - Bass, keyboards
Danny Shorago - Vox
Wes Styles - Guitar

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The Fuxedos California

"This is music both visionary and visceral, both hilarious and very serious, and it's welcome now more than ever...A spirit of wildness permeates the proceedings, but it's underpinned by a richly dimensional musical complexity. Yes. This is about passion...This is an album designed to last."

-- American Songwriter Magazine
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